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The Crusades

Star Wars Convention Under Assault by Star Trek Crusaders

The Los Angeles Convention Center before yesterday’s attack.

LOS ANGELES – It was an otherwise bright and balmy day at the Los Angeles Convention Center in downtown Los Angeles yesterday. However, underneath the calm exterior, a far more sinister and brutal scene was taking place. At noon a group of extremist Star Trek fans assaulted the building in the middle of the largest official Star Wars convention, Star Wars Celebration V.

In a matter of hours, the combined force of cosplaying Klingon, Federation and Romulan fans had secured a little over half the premises. They had soon erected a 12′ tall statue to Gene Roddenberry, also consecrating the convention center as holy ground in his name. Despite the fierce Trekkie assault, the Star Wars fans have managed to secure their own ground within the center due to an unprecedented truce between the imperials and the jedi.

Fighting continued throughout the night with many of the taller Trekkies donning Jar Jar Binks costumes for brave suicide raids on enemy defenses. Not to be outdone the Star Wars fans managed to erect a pair of large projection screens on the front lines, playing so called “reset” episodes of Star Trek: Voyager in an endless loop to break the enemy’s spirit. Despite the efforts of both sides, neither has yet managed any sort of conclusive offense and the stalemate is expected to continue for some time to come.

The crack imperial cosplay 501st unit prepares to join the fray.

In the hopes of breaking the deadly stalemate, both sides have sent ambassadors to Los Angeles’ anime community and online anime forums hoping to strike an alliance with the remaining fandom super power. So far there has been no word from the anime community, supposedly the gift boxes of Star Wars: Clone Wars have not been well received, while the 3 foot scale models of the Enterprise A may have won the Trekkies a critical diplomatic victory with the model makers.

The decision, however, largely hinges on the currently split demographic of Yaoi slash fic fans. A recent surge in high quality Kirk/Spock and Luke/Han doujins has completely divided the already fractured community. Proposals for an updated Chekov/Sulu pair, using the actors from the new J.J. Abrams movie as models, have become a popular hope for breaking the deadlock.